6 07 2013

On this day three years ago I almost died in an attempt of suicide. I celebrated my birthday alone. It was supposed to be another “happy birthday” for me but it wasn’t. The scene in my head of that moment is still crystal clear. I won’t forget it. It was like singing the birthday song by yourself and staring at your cake and imagining that you have visitors or you have your dad, mom and siblings waiting for you to close your eyes to take a wish and blow your candle cake. The difference is that I actually did it. I was miserable and I just want to end my life. I looked for something to use in order for me to kill myself.

I thought of stabbing my chest with a butter knife but it was ridiculous. I thought of drinking gasoline but the gasoline station is miles away. I thought of jumping somewhere high but our house doesn’t have a second floor. I thought of burning myself but I considered it painful. I realized I can’t even kill myself. That was the time I reconnected with the world. That was the time I finally became matured. That was the time I understood life. That life is cruel and can ruin a birthday. That life is sometimes unhappy and we should deal with it.

Two weeks before that day my mom and dad separated. It was hard for me to accept it. I was mad; I didn’t appreciate the value of family anymore. I made a gap between me and my parents. They didn’t know what I have been through. I accumulated anger and hatred and looked for something to cheer me up. But there wasn’t any. Anything that makes a person happy didn’t work for me but I survived.

Two weeks after that day it was my birthday. I almost died in an attempt of suicide. I have a lot of cake in my fridge that time four to be exact. I live alone and I don’t think I can consume that massive amount of cake just in time before it spoils. From then on I started to move on. I started to accept things like: I can’t devour a lot of cake because I’d be sick to it, I can’t move on if I’m not trying to move on, I can’t reach my goals if I am hopeless. I was ready to go. But where will I go?

On this day two years ago I celebrated my birthday somewhere nice. The scene in my head of that moment is still crystal clear. I can’t remember if I had a cake though. Little by little I accepted what my life had been through. I went somewhere for a change, I went to a place where I don’t know anyone. I started a new chapter of my life. I didn’t think of killing myself anymore. I decided to go where my mom is. So what’s next?

I moved on already, I decided to straighten my life. My near death experience taught me not to give up in life. As long as I’m breathing there’s a chance, I became a better person after those obstacles. I learned things like I should be contented of what I have. I work hard to reach my goals and I’m on my way there. I believe once again that there are good people in the society. There are people who have a greater problem than mine but they don’t choose the option of suicide. And I saw opportunities and grabbed some of it.

I thought life is easy, easy in a point that you can just play until you get tired and play again if you gained energy once more. You can plan of what will happen next but you should accept if your plan didn’t work. Birthday is a sign that you are becoming old but not a sign that you are becoming weak.  Every time I celebrate my birthday, I thank God for giving me another year to live. Another chance to prove my worth, that we can overcome problems because it is just a challenge.

On this day not so many years ago I was born. It was a “happy birthday” for me because I am the best gift that my mom and dad have. The scene in my head of that moment is not crystal clear. I don’t even remember it because I’m a baby. Now that I’m all grown up I’ll do whatever I need to do, I hope that when I read this after how many years, I will hit the pause button and say that:


“Kada kaarawan mo alalahanin mo ang mga nangyari sa iyo sa loob ng isang taon. Naging produktibong mamayan ka ba ng bansa o naging problema?”
Eler Villegas


The baby in the picture is me.

I am on twiter: @olops001


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